One thing about becoming a member of Mensa is that it explains a lot of things in
your life. For example, the various friendships that I developed in school. I
tended to gravitate toward the nerdy types who could logically explain any
problems I had, but whose social skills with the opposite sex were merely
academic theory.
I had a friend in high school named Bill, who could easily be a member of Mensa
if he so chose to do so. He looked a little bit like David Letterman, only taller and
goofier. We would have long conversations over the phone about some
electronic or chemical idea that would change the world. Unfortunately, since
both of us were deficient on the proper socially acceptable way to end a phone
conversation, we would talk until one of us collapsed from lack of food, sleep,
one of our parents cutting the lines, or all of the above.
One day, I made an auditory discovery. Back in the days when stereo had just
come in, there were some marvelous sound effect records made that
demonstrated the "Ping-Pong" effect of sound on two speakers. For example,
one of those was that of a train, coming from a distance on one speaker with
horns blaring, crossing over to the other speaker and fading away, with the
horns demonstrating the Doppler effect. The only thing that gave away that it
was on a record was the minor scratches that pre-CD equipment had at that
time. I discovered that if I put both speakers cone down on the floor, turned up
the stereo at full blast, and went down to the basement, you'd swear that a train
was rumbling on the floor above you!! It was the most beautiful effect that I had
ever heard! The floor absorbed the sound of the scratches, so that it actually
sounded like a train was taking a short-cut through your house!
I certainly couldn't just waste this discovery on just anybody, so I devised my
diabolical plan. When I saw Bill in my high school mechanical drawing class, I
said that I was interested in his opinion on some strange noise that I was
hearing. I said that at certain times of the night, at a certain spot in my
basement, I would hear this train sound rumble through. I said that there were no
known tracks or anything near my house, yet I would keep hearing this. In
subsequent classes, I later hypothesized to him that perhaps the Russians had
built this secret spy subway tunnel that went underneath my house, and would he
perhaps want to come over at the scheduled time that I would hear these
sounds, and give me his opinion on it. And so, late at night, (I told him it came
through at 11:37pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays) he came over, and we both
waited in my basement for this event. At my cue (two coughs) my little brother,
who was waiting at the top of the stairs, would run into the living room and put on
the ol' train record. Sure enough, it was beautiful. A distance sound of a train
whistle. The floor starts to rumble. The pipes are shaking. Pretty soon the
rumble moves from the wall area to center stage where all of the basement is
enveloped in this roar of a train. Then we gradually hear the clatter of the wheels
move on to the other side of the basement. Bill is completely taken up by this, his
nervousness covered up by his hacking, gasping laughter.
Later, at his house, Bill introduces me to a friend of his. I'm standing there nice
and smug, congratulating myself for pulling off the joke of the century, and I
figured that I would tell his friend about our secret knowledge of this "train"
phenomenon. That's when things took an ugly turn. Bill decided to get on the
phone and call the train authority, or the FBI, or the CIA to see if they know
anything about this. Suddenly, visions of government authorities ringing the
doorbell and paying my parents a visit, demanding to know about a spy train that
they're hiding started crossing my mind! Not to mention extreme embarrassment
for myself if my parents asked me to explain why the National Guard was
surrounding our house, or whatever! I start to panic, yelling, no! No! Don't call
yet!! After 10 minutes of this, it turns out that my friend Bill was playing a joke
back at me. You see, after my famous audio presentation to him in the
basement, I ushered him out of the back door, but when he wanted to go
upstairs, I gave some lame excuse to keep him from perhaps surveying some
speaker cones on the floor and thereby finding out what happened. He
remembered that, and correctly surmised that I had put him on. That's why he
thought he would scare the living daylights out of me later, which he certainly did!
So, 30 years later, what is my friend Bill doing? This is the actual truth-- He's
employed as an agent for the CIA!
your life. For example, the various friendships that I developed in school. I
tended to gravitate toward the nerdy types who could logically explain any
problems I had, but whose social skills with the opposite sex were merely
academic theory.
I had a friend in high school named Bill, who could easily be a member of Mensa
if he so chose to do so. He looked a little bit like David Letterman, only taller and
goofier. We would have long conversations over the phone about some
electronic or chemical idea that would change the world. Unfortunately, since
both of us were deficient on the proper socially acceptable way to end a phone
conversation, we would talk until one of us collapsed from lack of food, sleep,
one of our parents cutting the lines, or all of the above.
One day, I made an auditory discovery. Back in the days when stereo had just
come in, there were some marvelous sound effect records made that
demonstrated the "Ping-Pong" effect of sound on two speakers. For example,
one of those was that of a train, coming from a distance on one speaker with
horns blaring, crossing over to the other speaker and fading away, with the
horns demonstrating the Doppler effect. The only thing that gave away that it
was on a record was the minor scratches that pre-CD equipment had at that
time. I discovered that if I put both speakers cone down on the floor, turned up
the stereo at full blast, and went down to the basement, you'd swear that a train
was rumbling on the floor above you!! It was the most beautiful effect that I had
ever heard! The floor absorbed the sound of the scratches, so that it actually
sounded like a train was taking a short-cut through your house!
I certainly couldn't just waste this discovery on just anybody, so I devised my
diabolical plan. When I saw Bill in my high school mechanical drawing class, I
said that I was interested in his opinion on some strange noise that I was
hearing. I said that at certain times of the night, at a certain spot in my
basement, I would hear this train sound rumble through. I said that there were no
known tracks or anything near my house, yet I would keep hearing this. In
subsequent classes, I later hypothesized to him that perhaps the Russians had
built this secret spy subway tunnel that went underneath my house, and would he
perhaps want to come over at the scheduled time that I would hear these
sounds, and give me his opinion on it. And so, late at night, (I told him it came
through at 11:37pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays) he came over, and we both
waited in my basement for this event. At my cue (two coughs) my little brother,
who was waiting at the top of the stairs, would run into the living room and put on
the ol' train record. Sure enough, it was beautiful. A distance sound of a train
whistle. The floor starts to rumble. The pipes are shaking. Pretty soon the
rumble moves from the wall area to center stage where all of the basement is
enveloped in this roar of a train. Then we gradually hear the clatter of the wheels
move on to the other side of the basement. Bill is completely taken up by this, his
nervousness covered up by his hacking, gasping laughter.
Later, at his house, Bill introduces me to a friend of his. I'm standing there nice
and smug, congratulating myself for pulling off the joke of the century, and I
figured that I would tell his friend about our secret knowledge of this "train"
phenomenon. That's when things took an ugly turn. Bill decided to get on the
phone and call the train authority, or the FBI, or the CIA to see if they know
anything about this. Suddenly, visions of government authorities ringing the
doorbell and paying my parents a visit, demanding to know about a spy train that
they're hiding started crossing my mind! Not to mention extreme embarrassment
for myself if my parents asked me to explain why the National Guard was
surrounding our house, or whatever! I start to panic, yelling, no! No! Don't call
yet!! After 10 minutes of this, it turns out that my friend Bill was playing a joke
back at me. You see, after my famous audio presentation to him in the
basement, I ushered him out of the back door, but when he wanted to go
upstairs, I gave some lame excuse to keep him from perhaps surveying some
speaker cones on the floor and thereby finding out what happened. He
remembered that, and correctly surmised that I had put him on. That's why he
thought he would scare the living daylights out of me later, which he certainly did!
So, 30 years later, what is my friend Bill doing? This is the actual truth-- He's
employed as an agent for the CIA!
| THE GREAT TRAIN HOAX |
