| Don's Stories! |
| I've written funny columns for a number of publications, and people keep asking me for copies, so, I'm dumping the works onto these pages for your enjoyment -- Too many things have happened to me for me to keep them to my little self -- Let me either put you to sleep or make you laugh -- maybe I'll make you think, although I don't believe in inflicting pain if I can help it! ALL OF THESE STORIES ARE TRUE -- the only fiction I've ever done are some checks that I've written...so click on the box below of whatever piques your curiosity -- (and if you're a lady, I'd like to peek at yours! Tada boom...) |
| THE FUR FLIES How I won $10,000 from America's Funniest Home Videos with a very simple idea and some luck! |
| BOB HOPE, MILTON BERLE, LUCILLE BALL, GARY OWENS, I talked to them all in one night?? This was originally called "How to Really Impress a Date" -- in 1982 I actually met the above people at the Carousel Ball -- it sounds like a dream, but I've got pictures and soundtracks to this "dream"! |
| THE GREAT TRAIN HOAX I had one of my high school friends convinced that a subway train went under my house -- I almost got some people in trouble! This article was reprinted in some national newsletters by request. |
| AN ACCIDENTAL MEETING OF THE MINDS? I've talked to Steve Allen on four different occasions in my life -- he's my kinda guy -- but I always wondered if he was in Mensa -- so I asked him! |
| THE POOPING MOOSE Through something I did, I managed to make someone a fortune -- and ruffled some feathers! |
| WANNA FLIRT? Finding out what attracts men and women has been an obsession of mine -- once I had an interesting "encounter" that I didn't expect! |
| A MENSA DUMMY Is it possible to be smart enough for a group like Mensa, yet really do dumb things?? I'm living proof, ladies and gentlemen... |
| THINKING OF WRITING A BOOK? I wrote a best seller in 1999 -- it was so successful, that I almost went broke! |
| SHE'S TOO FAT FOR ME! Do ya wanna know what I think of fat people? Read on... |
| TINY TIM WENT OUT BIG I always thought Tiny Tim was a hippie who needed a hair cut -- until I talked to him -- he was a genius! |
| HOW A FLYING SQUIRREL BOUGHT ME A CAR Have you ever had astounding success in something despite yourself? Yep, another one of my Hollywood stories! |
| ONE SMART CAT Remember Julie Newmar? She was tall and lovely in the 60s -- and it turns out she's very intelligent -- remember the movie "To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar", the title taken from a photo she signed for someone? She signed one for me too, but it said something different, even better!!. |
| YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER! Remember those tele-nuisance calls you got before the "No Call" Option went into effect? Well, hear my rage and stories about phone life 15 years ago! |
| THE ORIGINS OF DON MUELLER It's just my bio -- to quell any rumors that I fell off of a turnip truck -- it was posting either that or my resume, and since I'm not really looking for work these days, I guess I'll stick to a bio! |
| I LOVE TO TINKLE! Give me a musical keyboard, and you'll keep me busy for hours! I even played Liberace's piano -- read all about here! |
| I TOLD OFF MICHAEL JACKSON! Hey, how did I know that it was Michael Jackson calling me? He was only 12 at the time anyway! |
| THE MUSIC THAT ALMOST WASN'T I got an emergency call from my entertainment agent -- she was doing an important DJ show, but a minute before "showtime" she discovered her music computer blew up -- time for me to put on my Superman suit and save a damsel in distress -- but it gets worse! A LOT worse... |
| THE CHRISTMAS CARD FILES Every year my friends and kinfolk revel in the enjoyment of getting one of my original Christmas cards, and.....WHAT'S THAT? YOU DIDN'T GET ANY CARDS FROM ME?? Do ya WANT ONE? Well, let's get caught up here -- |
| SO WHAT'S MP3 GOOD FOR? This is more of a serious dissertation rather than a funny article -- but if you have a lot of audio tapes, you can transfer them onto CDs, 40 hours onto ONE CD. Did your eyes just glaze over? Read the article! |
| MY ADVICE TO WOMEN! If you are a single woman who is baffled at what to do to attract men, I want you to read this story. It's a true story about a lady who had a serious problem -- and found a solution that worked! |
| THE NUTTY PROFESSOR STRIKES OUT AGAIN! I enjoy magic tricks and science magic. When I put on my spectacles and turn into the Nutty Professor, things get kinda messy as it did this last Halloween! |
| WELL!! WHEN I MET JACK BENNY! I'm sure glad I brought my camera -- those things don't happen too often, y'know? |
| I MET MY HEROS -- BUFFALO BOB AND HOWDY DOODY! Well, ok, Howdy Doody couldn't make it, but by golly, I had a nice chat with Buffalo Bob! Every baby-boomer remembers "HEY KIDS, WHAT TIME IS IT?" |
| DON'S EARLY MOVIE CAREER I'm known for my funny videos, but did you know I've been making movies for a half century now? You'll have a chance to see one that I made in 1964 -- I knew a girl who made a great mummy.... |
| WHY I AM STILL A SINGLE MAN! I mathematically PROVE why it's impossible for me to get married! Dare you read this?? |
| HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FUN DAYS OF RADIO?? This is for all of you old DJs and such, remember back to the 50s and 60s when radio was really personality and groovy DJs and things?? Why can't you find that today?? What's going on? |
| HOW TO MAKE MOVIES ON YOUR COMPUTER -- FOR NOTHING! I do video editing for people, and they're amazed at how it works -- all sorts of wipes, fades, special effects, titles that can be done with the right software. People ask me how much that particular software cost me -- then I zing 'em -- I SHOW THEM THAT THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT SOFTWARE ON THEIR OWN COMPUTER!! |
| A LESSON IN COMEDY -- BEING FUNNY BY TURNING AN ANALOGY INTO A PUZZLE I actually teach people lessons on how to write comedy to do stand-up routines -- have you ever seen a comedian tell jokes that are just not funny? I explain how to take those unfunny jokes and MAKE them funny -- it's something you should know if you want to do comedy! |