| One evening a few months ago when I was comfy at home in my easy chair reading the newspaper, I got a distress call from my entertainment agent DeAnna Lee. No problem, I owed her one. But let me backtrack a bit and explain what I owed her! A few years ago, I was at her house 20 miles North of where I live, and when I started up to drive home that evening, my alternator belt snapped off. Every few years that happens, and it's a simple matter of replacing it with a new belt using two wrench sizes. But, I didn't have a replacement belt with me. When an alternator belt is not turning the alternator, the battery is not charging. You can still drive a car without a belt, but the battery will gradually weaken. But I decided to tough it out, and drive home in that condtion anyway! One little problem, it was night. That means I had to have my headlights on. So how long will a car engine run at night without an alternator belt? I found out! 18 miles! The headlights got dimmer and dimmer -- my sweat glands got wetter and wetter -- until my car turned into a pumpkin at the 6th and Simms intersection! (well, it didn't look like a pumpkin, but it was about as useful as one) I called DeAnna on my cellphone. She and a friend came down to rescue me -- it was a loooong 19 minute wait as cars zoomed past me. But, they pushed my car out of the way and onto a parking lot, where I had an office and a long recharger cord, so, crisis averted! Yep, I owed DeAnna one. DeAnna does entertainment, and among her many talents is being a DJ at special events. She uses state of the art equipment -- there's 10 thousand songs on her laptop, and at a moments notice she can access any song immediately, and play it through two powered speakers. She played for my high school reunion, and did an expert job. She does have CDs and CD players she can use as a back-up, should something go awry with the laptop. Back to my easy chair where I was comfy reading the paper. DeAnna called me. It was 6pm. She was the DJ for a formal company party in a hotel ballroom down in Englewood, a 45 minute drive from where she lived. She was cool, she didn't show any panic. She said, "I'm doing this gig that starts right now, BUT MY LAPTOP BLEW UP. AND I FORGOT TO BRING ANY CD PLAYERS. COULD YOU BRING ME A PLAYER FAST?? They don't know I'm in trouble, and I'll stall them as long as I can! HOW SOON CAN YOU GET HERE?" Ahh, a lovely damsel in distress! It's now my turn to put on my Superman suit and go to the rescue! I told her I could get there in about 20 minutes if I took the highway from Lakewood to Englewood. She could stall for about that long, if she's lucky! Now WHAT MORE COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?? Time to use my calm and cool logic that I'm so noted for. Lessee here, where do I have a CD player that actually works? Well.....uh.......I have one good machine waaaay back in the storeroom that I haven't used for years -- uh....it's only behind mounds and mounds of junk that I need to move -- 10 minutes later DeAnna calls me, "where are you on the highway?" "Uh....well.....I haven't left the house yet, BUT I'M COMIN', I'M COMIN!!" Now I'm getting a little testy -- not excited, mind you, because I'm a cool guy. Just a little teeny testy! Now, I got the player, that's one problem surmounted. I just jump in the car, and do a quick delivery, right? Well, it was 6:15pm -- in Denver, that's still the rush hour. Going on the freeway for 20 minutes during rush hour is risky anyway. Oh yea....another thing. IT WAS POURING RAIN. We're talkin' thunder and lightning and flooding, this may not be a quick drive here -- so I got onto the 6th avenue freeway with my lights on, and my windshield wipers going at top speed. Sooo, anything else could happen? ZING -- I hear a snap under the hood -- my alternator light suddenly had a healthy red glow to it -- MY ALTERNATOR BELT JUST WENT OUT! Well, I'll be a son-uv-gun. (actually, that's not quite the exact verbage that I used, but that's close enough) My deoderant just failed me. I knew from my experience of a few years ago that if I didn't do anything about this situation, my vehicle would turn back into a pumpkin in the middle of I-25 during the rush hour during the rain, and THAT thought didn't appeal to me at all! DeAnna called, "Where are you now?" I said, "Well, I just lost my alternator belt, I do have a new one with me, I need to stop and replace it, IT'LL ONLY TAKE FIVE MINUTES!!" DeAnna said, "I can't stall much longer, the people are getting suspicious, hurrry, PULLLEEEEZE!!!" Have you ever tried replacing an alternator belt on a car in pouring rain with lightning striking nearby? I pulled into a company parking lot, so I was out of traffic danger -- my "5 minutes" quickly turned into 15, the time sure goes fast when you don't know that you're not having fun -- I roared back onto the highway -- DeAnna called -- "I left the ballroom and I'm hiding in some bushes outside the building so that they can't find me -- I'll stay on the line and look for you -- " She talked me through a few false turns that I made from Hampden -- shizam, I didn't know my car could do such tight U-turns! "Hurry, my cellphone 'low battery' light is blinking" -- and as she said that, one of the clients found her under the tree, and asked what she was doing! Busted -- the client's husband saw her sneak out -- I roared into the parking lot, DeAnna and I brought in the CD player like two medical personnel delivering a transplanted organ -- we did a fast wiring job, and the SHOW WENT ON! With me "engineering" the order of the CDs, DeAnna showed the crowd how to do the "Slide", and the "Hokey Pokey" never looked better! I think some of the people in their Tuxedos were mildly curious about this monster from the Lagoon behind the table with grease up to his elbows, but for me it was a sudden "come as you are party"! As it turned out, DeAnna even pulled me out on the floor for a few of the dances. At the end of this "event", the CEO of the company came up to DeAnna, and said, "Thanks for the great job you did tonight, it was very professional!" (If only he knew!!!) Don't worry, I got extra compensation for this from Miss DeAnna. (and a hero always gets the kiss at the end) The aftermath? DeAnna's computer was DEAD -- it got a merciful burial after having it's hard drive extracted. And, we're developing new ways of using IPODs now to store and play the music. And DeAnna is planning on having PLENTY of CD players with her at ALL times! Ya never know when ya need one, ya know? Any moral to the story? I guess it shows that no matter how lousy things seem to get, don't give up -- persistence against life's obstacles can be the answer! But, now, surely I can end this thing with something more prolific than that, you didn't struggle through this article just to read about my problems? So, here's the top ten things I've learned from this experience: 10. When the President says it's time to tighten your belt, make sure it's the alternator belt. 9. Make sure your CD player isn't actually a Seedy player. 8. Never trust a laptop that says "Etch-a-Sketch" on it. 7. From now on, set your watch to an Eastern time zone, so that you're ahead an hour or so to allow for "Senior moments/Blond moments/Dullard moments". 6. Bungee jumping, free fall parachuting, tight rope walking are OK, as long as you don't try fixing cars in a lightning storm. 5. Before you play "Super-Hero", make sure that vital life saving equipment isn't lost in your "Fortress of Solitude". 4. Always wash your hands from engine grease before doing the Hokey Pokey. 3. A vacuum cleaner motor belt from King Soopers does not work as an alternator belt. 2. Essential tools to always keep in the car trunk -- 10 CD players, 10 alternator belts, 5 umbrellas, 3 cellphone batteries, and a Partridge in a Pear tree. (I don't know why, it just sounds right) 1. When reading the newspaper, shut off all phones! |
| THE MUSIC THAT ALMOST WASN'T |
